Chef Wolf
by clemlimo
Summary: We've heard a lot that Wolf cannot cook; What would happen if he tried? I do not own anything. Special thanks to TheNotedMusician who was the only one to review the French version.


* * *

Chef Wolf

Alex had spent the afternoon at Tom's and was going back to Wolf's flat where he had been living since Jack had taken well-deserved holidays. As he arrived at the door of the building, he was met by the three other members of K-Unit, who often came there on saturday evening.

* * *

When they saw him, their eyes widened in horror. Alex raised an eyebrow: "What's wrong?" Eagle, Snake and Fox shared a long look during which Alex opened the door and climbed up the stairs followed by his "fellow sufferers", as he called them in reference to the time they spent together in the Brecon Beacons. Finally, just as they were about to get in the flat, Snake decided to tell him: "If you're here ... Who has cooked the meal?". Alex shrugged: "Wolf must have done it". This didn't seem to reassure them. "That's the problem. Why do you think we would never let him do the cooking while we were in Wales?" Eagle asked insidiously. Alex just stared at him, he had never really wondered, he had other concerns at the time, like preventing Wolf from killing him for instance. But now that he was told, it's true that he had never seen Wolf cooking a meal (if army rations can be called "a meal" of course). Alex tried to reassured himself as much as the others when he said: "Come on, it can't be that bad!". The others exchanged looks, again, and said all at once : "Yes, it can!" Alex decided then that it was better to end the discussion and to just open the door.

* * *

They were met by an annoyed-looking Wolf, who was wearing a T-shirt stained with a greyish gunge, which was everything but appetizing. This did not augur well.

"It's better than it looks", Wolf assured even though he wasn't convincing anyone.

Seeing the sceptical looks of his teammates, he sighed and muttered that he was going to get changed and that they could wait for him in the living room.

Later on, as they were all watching the football game on TV, Wolf asked Cub to have a look at the soup in the kitchen.

Alex nodded and complied. He lifted the lid of the casserole and couldn't beleve his eyes. *What the hell...* he thought.

Until that moment he had never been worried by the comments of the others concerning Wolf's cooking; but he would never have thought that it was that bad.

* * *

He went back into the living room where Wolf asked him proudly how the soup was. He sounded eager to prove that he could cook (it's not that he was interested in cooking but rather the urge to show that he could excel at everything).

Alex felt almost sorry to have to tell him the truth.

"Oh, great ! It's ... blue."

"Huh? Blue?" Wolf asked and without waiting for an answer he hurried into the kitchen.

Alex couldn't help but coming out with one of his sarcasms.

"No, but blue is good. If you ask me there isn't enough blue food."

Eagle, Fox and Snake, who had followed them, looked torn between running away and killing themselves laughing.

"Oh shit! It must have been the string", Wolf explained .

"Oh, it's string soup", said Eagle who seemed to have chosen the second alternative.

They all started to laugh, including Wolf (but not before having gratified Eagle with one of his furious glare).

After they got a grip on themselves, Snake asked the crucial question :

"What are we going to do about this dinner, then?"

"Why « we »? Our dear leader, a SAS god, can handle this. He can do anything, right?" Fox said maliciously, the challenge clear in his voice.

But seeing his teammates incredulous looks, he had to add :

"But Cub might be able to repair the irreparable after all."

And with that, he went back to the living room, followed by Eagle and Snake.

* * *

Wolf and Cub found themselves alone with each other. Wolf decided to give in his leader cap to his younger team-mate and asked him :

"So, what are we doing now?"

"Well", Alex sighed, "we can have blue soup to start..."

He lifted another lid :

"To end... What the hell is that? Marmelade?"

Wolf flushed, embarrassed :

"Actually, in the cookery book, it's called « an orange parfait in sugar cages »"

Alex needed a few seconds to pull himself together and take that in.

"If you say so. And for the main course you have... (he lifted the third lid) er... greenish gunge."

"In fact that is caper berry gravy."

Wolf was looking more and more like a small child who had wanted to be good but had ended up doing silly things; which is ironic considering that he was supposed to be the responsible adult.

Alex tried to smile :

"Good! We'd better make an omelet, then."

Seeing Wolf's sheepish look, he added :

"With caper berry gravy."

* * *

After having tried for half an hour to repair the damage, they decided they couldn't do anything more and announced the others that dinner was ready.

K-unit forced themselves to swallow the blue soup, even if they had sometimes to take out some pieces of string. They tried to think of nice things to say (« excellent », « delicious », « really special »...) before they all burst out laughing because they all knew it was inedible even by SAS's standard.

Eagle, then, asked without warning:

"So, Cub, who shot you?"

The latter evaded the question :

"Eat up ! Eat up ! Two more lovely courses to go !!"

Snake, Fox and Eagle exchanged horrified looks for the nth time that night.

* * *

At the end of the meal, as they were finishing the so-called « orange parfait », Alex usually so quiet and polite, took everybody by surprise by saying :

"I have to say, this is the most incredible shit ! This is the worst of the three."

And Fox added :

"It does remind me of something. It tastes a little like marmalade"

And Snake drove the point home :

"Well done, Wolf ! Hours of careful cooking and a feast of blue soup, omelet and marmalade."

Wolf glared at them and, in a very Eagle-like way, throw up his hands, crying out :

" WHY ?! WHY ?!"


End file.
